The Harm & Mac Bad Luck Trilogy
by ScribeAnimal
Summary: Harm and Mac are together, but they don't seem to have the best of luck...
1. Ouch!

"OUCH! Or How Not To Piss Off A Bee"

Author: Haruo Chikamori

E-mail: hhchikamori

Rating: M

Classification: K

Spoilers: N/A

Summary: Yes…this is an absolutely nauseatingly sweet Harm/Mac story.

DISCLAIMER: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie, Meg Austin, AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong (in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Animal is the property of Heather and Hugo Chikamori.

The Rose Garden

White House

The sun was shining up in the heavens, the birds were singing and everything seemed to be absolutely wonderful for the simple fact that Harm and Mac were back in the very place where their journey together began; there was a enthralling aroma in the air – the roses with their aromatic scent, the upturned dirt that the gardeners had tilled and Harm sniffed the air then winced. "Manure…" he said to himself. Yep, the gardeners had applied manure on the roses to help them grow better.

Harm sat cross-legged on a bench with a beatific expression on his face watching Mac looking at the different roses in the garden. "Such a beautiful morning." He thought to himself as he let his thoughts wander. 8 years ago he had seen her for the first time in this very same Rose Garden. And since she had given Clayton Webb the million dollar kiss-off, she was unencumbered by romantic interests for the first time in ages.

"Haaarm." A slightly raised voice emerged from the roses. "Haaarm?"

"Yes, Maaac." Harm replied in a sing-song as he pulled first one leg and then the other rather painfully out of his cross-legged position and then proceeded to stand up. "What can I do for you!"

His Marine poked her head out from the roses that she smelt and said invitingly with a hint of promise "Come smell the roses."

Harm smiled a bright smile and as soon as he had finished cracking the joints in his knees where he had gotten stiff from sitting and meditating, he walked carefully over to where Mac was standing.

"Isn't this wonderful?" Mac asked. "The roses are soooo beautiful, Harm." Harm smiled seeing the softness in his legal partner's face. She wasn't a tough Marine when she was beside some flowers.

"OK…" Harm said and leaned his nose down to take a good whiff of the scent that the rose she was indicating. He inhaled…then saw stars. Oh, the pain! "OWWWWW!" He yelled leaping up from the rose, his nose throbbing like someone had injected lava onto the tip of his proboscis.

Three hours later

The George Washington University Hospital

"I'm sooo sorry, Harm" Mac winced, a small tear dribbling down her face. "I should never…have let you sniff that rose."

Harm gave her a look that forgave her and didn't bear her any reproach. "You never stuck the bee in the flower so why do you need to apologize?"

"Because everything seems to be my fault lately. I've been taking out so much of my frustrations on you lately and this is the first time we've ever been able to do anything together. I hope that this doesn't put a crimp in our friendship." Harm looked horrified at the thought and Mac sighed. "Forgive me for being such a bitch?"

"Of course, you know I care so much about you." Harm said pleasantly as he wrapped his arm around his long-time friend. "Well…all's well that ends well." And let out a big grin as he headed out. His friends were there as well as Mac had panicked and called everyone she knew in the office when Harm had gotten stung. "Well…things are OK…" he announced to everyone in the waiting room. "Doc gave me a couple of antihistamines that should help the swelling. But the one thing that strikes me as odd is how a bee got into the Rose Garden. The White House gardeners always keep combing the place and try to keep the bees out. It's just surprising. It almost seemed like the bee was planted there." He looked around at the rather shocked JAG officers.

As they dispersed, Meg Austin turned to Loren Singer and Caitlin Pike. "Hmmm, it seemed like it was planted there…I wonder who could have done it."

Loren and Cait looked at each other. "Damn…" the three of them shook their heads. "What sadistic person could have done that. I guess it would remain a mystery.

In the distance a grey-wigged gentleman snickered to himself. "Rats. Rabb. Too bad you weren't allergic to bees." He lifted up a cell phone. "Palmer here. Forget the bees. Rabb's immune."

The End.


	2. But Hon, I Didn't Take Your Choc Bar!

"But Honey, I Didn't Take Your Chocolate Bar"

Author: Haruo Chikamori

E-mail: hhchikamori

Rating: M

Classification: K

Spoilers: N/A

Summary: A missing chocolate bar… Never get between a Marine and her chocolate bar.

DISCLAIMER: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie, Meg Austin, AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong (in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Animal is the property of Heather and Hugo Chikamori.

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Loren Singer looked up to see another nauseatingly sweet display of affection between Harm and that bitch-Colonel. Hadn't the admiral mentioned to keep the damned PDAs out of the office? It was just as if they couldn't keep their hands off each other. Well, the least they could do was keep the PDAs to their own offices instead of trying to make her throw up her breakfast.

Mac's office.

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Mac stepped into her office, her emotional equilibrium off-kilter due to Harm's devastatingly effective charms. All the squid had to do was smile in her direction and she turned into a pile of goo.

She looked at her desk. There was something missing. _That's funny, I thought I bought a chocolate bar before I came into work. _ She looked in her desk, around it, then on her chair. Nothing. _Damnit! Nobody gets between a Marine and her chocolate bar_. She went storming out of the office. Knocking on Harm's door fit to wake the dead, she said. "Harm! Are you in there?!"

Harm opened the door, eyebrows practically raised to his hairline (which was a feat in itself considering his hairline was a full three inches above his eyebrows). "What would you like? My dear?"

Mac gave him a glare that nearly froze him to the floor. "Harm…" she said. "Did you take my chocolate bar?"

"No…Mac. I didn't take your chocolate bar." Harm replied looking confused. _Now why would I take her chocolate bar? _He thought to himself.

"Well somebody did!" Mac fumed, whirled around on a one-eighty and stomped into the office bullpen. The first victim of her inquisition shrugged her shoulders which didn't help Mac's mood any. The second, third and fourth victims pretty much did the same thing which pretty much caused her temperature and fury to rise exponentially.

"Can't I keep a chocolate bar to myself in my own office!" Mac fumed as she whirled around and headed back into her office to find her chocolate bar sitting on top of the desk right where she thought she had put it last. The wrapper intact, the chocolate bar un-tampered with. She unwrapped it right there…and ate every last piece of it." _Ah, the magic of Hershey_, she thought to herself.

Six Hours Later

George Washington Medical Center

"But how?" Mac moaned as she threw up again for the fifteenth time.

"Well, Colonel. I believe someone went to an exceedingly intensive effort to mix a Hershey Bar with some Ex-Lax to simulate an actual chocolate bar." The doctor stated as his sympathetic expression covered a desire to laugh.

"Now who would be the sadistic bastard that would do something like that?" Harm asked (he had come over when Mac had piteously phoned him due to being sick to her stomach and drove her to the hospital. Interrupted by a moaning Mac who requested that she get some help to guide her to the washroom, he complied with her wishes.

"…and she ate the whole thing?" the doctor asked incredulously?

"Yes. It appears so!" An agonizing scream from the washroom indicated just exactly how much pain the poor Marine was in. Harm's heart leapt into his throat at the sound.

"…and all for a single chocolate bar laced with Ex-lax…"

"No, Commander, it appears that the chocolate bar was laced 1 part for 1 part."

"But wouldn't that make the chocolate bar bigger?"

"Not if the person responsible had poured it into a mold and made two chocolate bars with it." Harm blanched. He now remembered that he had gone into his office and found a chocolate bar sitting on his desk. Given that he wasn't too interested in chocolate, he had given his bar to…

"OH, shit!" He uttered, just as Commander Turner was brought into the emergency room, moaning in pain. "Oh…shit…"

"I hate your guts, Rabb!" Sturgis Turner moaned as he leaned over a bucket and threw up the contents of dinner.

"Sturgis…Oh…god…shit…I'm sorry. I didn't know…"

"Mac too?" Varese pointedly looked at him when she uttered a moan, audible from the washroom.

Harm sighed and nodded.

"Who the hell would have done that?" Harm asked audibly to no-one in particular.

George Washington Medical Center

Outside In The Parking Lot.

The Navy Commander dressed in navy blues grinned sadistically to himself. _Ah, this is even better than killing Rabb and his woman. I get to torture him again and again. Isn't this wonderful._ He lifted up his phone. "Palmer…mission a success, unfortunately Rabb didn't get it, evidently it seems he passed the second bar off to his friend. Oh well, better luck next time." 


	3. Hot Spices

"Hot Spices"

Author: Haruo Chikamori

E-mail: hhchikamori

Rating: M

Classification: K

Spoilers: N/A

Summary: A missing chocolate bar… Never get between a Marine and her chocolate bar.

DISCLAIMER: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie, Meg Austin, AJ Chegwidden, et al. belong (in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Animal is the property of Heather and Hugo Chikamori.

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

"Hey, Ninja-Girl". Harm said to Mac who was looking through a case folder. "We haven't had lunch today yet. Shall we consider going out to eat some lunch?"

"Alright" sighed Mac. Harm always thought with his stomach and never failed to entice her into eating as well. _Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to chalk up another five mile run_. She thought to herself as she gathered her overseas cap and headed out with Harm in tow. "I'm picking then." She said as she shot him a look that dared him to object.

"But…"

"Zip it, squid!"

Jose's Tijuana House

Falls Church, VA

"The best Mexican this side of the Rio Grande." Harm said audibly to Mac. "So…we're eating Mexican?"

"Yep, had the idea of having something spicy today." Mac replied as she gave him a winsome grin. "So…you chickening out, Navy?"

Harm gave Mac his usual eyebrow raise. "Nope…just wondering if we need to call the fire department after you set fire to your mouth with Jose's 'Holy Shit That's Hot' Sauce." He noted, looking at the different temperatures of hot-sauce that Jose's had on their menu-board. He pulled open the door. "After you, Marine." He challenged.

"Women and children first…I think you fall under the second category." Mac said. "Or are we flipping a coin to see who goes first?"

"Shut up and get your ass in the door, Jarhead!" Harm chuckled "I want to eat sometime this century."

With the uniforms, they were seated quickly and a server came over to take their order. "How may I help you."

"Hi, I'd like Jose's One Thousand Degree Burrito." Mac said smugly looking in challenge at her partner. "I'll take two of them."

"I'll just take the 'I Don't Like Hot Stuff' Vegetarian Taco." Harm replied. Mac just shook her head with a pitying glance at Harm.

Clicking her tongue at him, she said. "Tsk tsk… can't handle the hot stuff, huh?"

About half an hour later, a grey haired, moustachioed waiter came out to the table and said with a deep Mexican accent. "So…senor, I have brought you your taco… very mild sauce… Senorita, your Thousand Degree Burrito… please be careful. It may be more hot than you are expecting. ¡Buen provecho!" He said as he stepped back just in time to see them each take a bite out of their respective meals.

Harm started choking as his face turned red as he spat out his taco. He swore his mouth was on fire. "This…bleh…was supposed…bleh…to be…bleh…mild!" he gasped out…tears welling up in his eyes.

Meanwhile Mac was turning various shades of lavender. Evidently her Thousand Degree Taco had gone up by quite a few Scoville Units. All she could croak out was "water…"

The moustachioed waiter hastily headed over to the bar and yelled. "Water! Water!" then winked at the bartender who rapidly filled two glasses.

He brought the two glasses over to the two officers who tried to gulp down the 'water' and then crossed eyes in pain. The 'water' was actually strong vodka which did nothing to dampen the heat of the hot sauces that had gone into both taco and burritos.

Harm staggered over to the little kitchenette where staff washed dirty dishes, dumped out the vodka and poured water into the glass, upended it down his throat, he grabbed a cold water bottle out of the cooler and threw it to Mac who gulped it down, still cross-eyed with pain. When he could speak coherently, he croaked out. "You…" and pointed at the grey-haired waiter who was trying to get away. Tackling the waiter, he knocked the guy out with one punch. The face felt funny. Ripping off the wig and the mask he said. "Mark Falcon...you KGB asshole…what the hell was that all about? Mac!" he croaked loudly. "Get the bartender!"

Mac leapt out of the booth in true Super-Mac fashion and tackled the bartender who was wiggling around trying to reach something in his pocket. Levelling a devastating punch at the man's Adam's apple…the man ceased struggling and started clutching at his throat. "You son-of-a-bitch."

Harm croaked again. "Mac…look for a mask…he's wearing a mask!"

Pulling at his wig and mask, Mac revealed Clark Palmer who was trying hard to catch a breath as his Adam's apple being bruised was swelling. The ambulance attendants and the police were on the doorstep. Giving him an anti-inflammatory to keep his airway clear, they trach'd him, cuffed him and put him on a stretcher strapped and locked. "We'll keep an armed guard on him…before we turn him over to the military after he's treated for his injuries." The police lieutenant said.

"Those two need to be in Leavenworth." Harm said gingerly feeling his throat as the burning dampened dull to a warmth that dulled the pain.

JAG HQ

Falls Church, VA

2 Hrs Later

RADM Chegwidden paced the floor as the two stood at attention. "You captured Palmer, after you two went to a Mexican food place to eat? And that turned into a two hour lunch and a trip to the Emergency Room?"

"Yes, sir." Harm said hoarsely.

"Jesus Christ, Rabb…" Chegwidden went to sit down and then said. "Dismissed."

As they exited the door, "We never got to eat anything, did we?" Mac stated to her partner who groaned. "So, where should we get something decent to eat?"

"How about we just go to Beltway Burgers?" Harm replied. "Mexican food is gonna kill me one of these days."


End file.
